Well Mom, I made it, the age you were 19 years ago; the year you died. All these years, after your passing, I have been so scared and nearly petrified of seeing this age.
I thought of my great grandmothers' death at 67 years old and my grandmother at 64 and then you, Mom, at 64-- scared me into thinking what about me or my sisters and brothers? The women in my family seem to go fairly young. And with my age of 34 when mom passed, started me thinking of the years to come. Thinking of the future scared me to death that I stopped living and to only exist. Existing in the moment. I began not caring or wanting very much anymore, brought more depression that I almost shut down. My days became my nights and my nights my days-- no sleep--to afraid to sleep.
Thinking of death and how death was lurking, waiting for my turn. My thoughts of death began to consume me and I started thinking of ways, silly I know, on how to cheat death. Really? No one, not one single thing can EVER cheat that creepy little guy with the sickle, but I sure was hoping and praying. After all DEATH had cheated my mother and how I hated him but,feared him as well. Fear was it in a nutshell. Dying was a loss to me, my family and to my mother's memory.
Today, my 54th birthday, I have thought about her a lot. The tears I have shed thinking about her today, thinking of her short life and her death and how it seems unfair. What would mom be like , now? How much I miss her smile and her quirky little laugh, but most of all I miss her and the person she might have been.
All the years of me fighting death did nothing for me. It only stopped me from living the life that my mother sought for me and to be the best person I could be on this earth. No, my life isn't over, at least I hope that it isn't but I cheated myself and that I can't get back. Even though, I knew you couldn't cheat death, thinking about trying or finding out how was good enough. But, Death comes to all of us in one form or another and I had to stop fearing Death and learn to embrace Life. So, I say to myself especially today, "get off your butt and no time better than the present." "Give yourself permission to enjoy what life can give and this is the best present you can give yourself and to mom's memory."
So, here goes. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOBBIE SUE---- She's 54. ENJOY!!!
I thought of my great grandmothers' death at 67 years old and my grandmother at 64 and then you, Mom, at 64-- scared me into thinking what about me or my sisters and brothers? The women in my family seem to go fairly young. And with my age of 34 when mom passed, started me thinking of the years to come. Thinking of the future scared me to death that I stopped living and to only exist. Existing in the moment. I began not caring or wanting very much anymore, brought more depression that I almost shut down. My days became my nights and my nights my days-- no sleep--to afraid to sleep.
Thinking of death and how death was lurking, waiting for my turn. My thoughts of death began to consume me and I started thinking of ways, silly I know, on how to cheat death. Really? No one, not one single thing can EVER cheat that creepy little guy with the sickle, but I sure was hoping and praying. After all DEATH had cheated my mother and how I hated him but,feared him as well. Fear was it in a nutshell. Dying was a loss to me, my family and to my mother's memory.
Today, my 54th birthday, I have thought about her a lot. The tears I have shed thinking about her today, thinking of her short life and her death and how it seems unfair. What would mom be like , now? How much I miss her smile and her quirky little laugh, but most of all I miss her and the person she might have been.
All the years of me fighting death did nothing for me. It only stopped me from living the life that my mother sought for me and to be the best person I could be on this earth. No, my life isn't over, at least I hope that it isn't but I cheated myself and that I can't get back. Even though, I knew you couldn't cheat death, thinking about trying or finding out how was good enough. But, Death comes to all of us in one form or another and I had to stop fearing Death and learn to embrace Life. So, I say to myself especially today, "get off your butt and no time better than the present." "Give yourself permission to enjoy what life can give and this is the best present you can give yourself and to mom's memory."
So, here goes. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOBBIE SUE---- She's 54. ENJOY!!!
