I find as I get older, I do quite a bit of soul searching and look back over the things I have done in my past that might have hurt a few.....
No, I was never a horrible person, yes, maybe played games where men were concerned (from time to time) my defense I was YDS-Young,Dumb,Stupid.... not that is an excuse, one should never play games when someone else may care...
I will tell you a story of one which I- over the years - have haunted me.. I met this guy when we were 18 and then again around 20.. I will not say his name, he knows who he is.... he was quite smitten with me and I wouldn't give him the time of day... We danced together all the time at TBirds and he called me constantly... I was flattered but not really interested in dating anyone, just having fun.. No and not that kind of fun, just hanging out with friends..
This guy was great to be around loved Sly Stallone and a great dancer too.. He made me laugh, always protective and never tried anything out of the way with me, up and up great guy.
We were together a lot, dancing and talking and hanging out. Great times. He began to continually ask me out to which I would ignore.. Until one day, after I found that I was expecting a child and my baby's father left me because of some other factor.. this guy stepped up wanted to be a father and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.... wouldn't take no for an answer and I said yes to get him up off the cold snow/ice... Comes next weekend, I was to meet up with him to make plans... I never showed.. stood this poor guy up.. He called me crying in his beer said he had given the ring to a waitress and that he was hurt beyond hurt.. He loved me so much but was so tired of me hurting him... "whatever" was my thing back then... sad but true.
Forward 20 something years.. I have thought and agonized over this, because I did care about him, just realized too late how much... And with me coming to grip with my eating disorder and making amends, I felt that I had to find this one guy... I started looking him up online with the phone directory.. found him and his wife, still in the same place... I picked up the phone many times and hung up thinking what would I say, what could I say, or would he even talk to me.... One evening, I picked up, dialed and did not hang up.... scared out of my wits, I heard a "hello".. and I stumbled with the hello back and said to her "is >>>> home?" she said "yes, he is in the next room" and I told her, "I know this is a strange request, but I was a friend of his a long time ago and just wanted to say hello"..
She says "sure, what is the name".. I said "Bobbie".. "hold on", she says and I could hear her in the next room telling him telephone and it's Bobbie...
He came on and we said how long it's been and caught up to children and marriage and my divorce and what we were doing over the years.. and he was so happy to hear from me.. he told me that he had thought about me often and wandered how I was doing.. I replied .. this is partly the reason, I am calling.. "you know all those years ago and how you/we were and how awful I treated you..".. he said "yes" and I said to him.. "you were the one guy that had my back of all of them, you had my back, never asked questions, always by my side and you were always there".. "I just wanted to say, how sorry I am for treating you the way I did".. You of all didn't deserve what I did".. not that it helps now, but I wanted to let you know... "How special you truly were to me".. He said that he didn't need an apology that it was what it was back then and I was special to him as well.. The tears stream down and he said to me "you have been thinking about what you did all those years ago and it was hurting you?" "That I would never hang over you, you were a good person and a good mom and I just wish things had been different.."..
We talked for a long long time and he said to me , We need to get together again with the gang... My boys/guys, I used to call them and catch up... I told him thank you but no, and to calling him again no... I would not want to upset his wife for anything, they have a great life and an old flame coming in with long ago memories would make her feel uncomfortable... He understood and we left it as Thank you.... and you will always hold something special in my heart..
Now, this is a story (embarrassing as it is) of me growing up and finding someone very special in a time of confusion and how I /we all can go in another direction because of our needs/wants and just plain selfishness.. Me, calling """"" and talking to him helped immensely.. now, does this make me a better person?? I don't know.......... but it shows that if you truly want to make amends for something wrong you had done, one can make it right if they have a conscious... Our Conscious can keep us in check, be our truth seeker and be our gauge... At times, one thinks of if some people have a conscious-at all... We do, just some choose to ignore and I could no longer ignore how my actions hurt someone so dear to me.
Thanks------
No, I was never a horrible person, yes, maybe played games where men were concerned (from time to time) my defense I was YDS-Young,Dumb,Stupid.... not that is an excuse, one should never play games when someone else may care...
I will tell you a story of one which I- over the years - have haunted me.. I met this guy when we were 18 and then again around 20.. I will not say his name, he knows who he is.... he was quite smitten with me and I wouldn't give him the time of day... We danced together all the time at TBirds and he called me constantly... I was flattered but not really interested in dating anyone, just having fun.. No and not that kind of fun, just hanging out with friends..
This guy was great to be around loved Sly Stallone and a great dancer too.. He made me laugh, always protective and never tried anything out of the way with me, up and up great guy.
We were together a lot, dancing and talking and hanging out. Great times. He began to continually ask me out to which I would ignore.. Until one day, after I found that I was expecting a child and my baby's father left me because of some other factor.. this guy stepped up wanted to be a father and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.... wouldn't take no for an answer and I said yes to get him up off the cold snow/ice... Comes next weekend, I was to meet up with him to make plans... I never showed.. stood this poor guy up.. He called me crying in his beer said he had given the ring to a waitress and that he was hurt beyond hurt.. He loved me so much but was so tired of me hurting him... "whatever" was my thing back then... sad but true.
Forward 20 something years.. I have thought and agonized over this, because I did care about him, just realized too late how much... And with me coming to grip with my eating disorder and making amends, I felt that I had to find this one guy... I started looking him up online with the phone directory.. found him and his wife, still in the same place... I picked up the phone many times and hung up thinking what would I say, what could I say, or would he even talk to me.... One evening, I picked up, dialed and did not hang up.... scared out of my wits, I heard a "hello".. and I stumbled with the hello back and said to her "is >>>> home?" she said "yes, he is in the next room" and I told her, "I know this is a strange request, but I was a friend of his a long time ago and just wanted to say hello"..
She says "sure, what is the name".. I said "Bobbie".. "hold on", she says and I could hear her in the next room telling him telephone and it's Bobbie...
He came on and we said how long it's been and caught up to children and marriage and my divorce and what we were doing over the years.. and he was so happy to hear from me.. he told me that he had thought about me often and wandered how I was doing.. I replied .. this is partly the reason, I am calling.. "you know all those years ago and how you/we were and how awful I treated you..".. he said "yes" and I said to him.. "you were the one guy that had my back of all of them, you had my back, never asked questions, always by my side and you were always there".. "I just wanted to say, how sorry I am for treating you the way I did".. You of all didn't deserve what I did".. not that it helps now, but I wanted to let you know... "How special you truly were to me".. He said that he didn't need an apology that it was what it was back then and I was special to him as well.. The tears stream down and he said to me "you have been thinking about what you did all those years ago and it was hurting you?" "That I would never hang over you, you were a good person and a good mom and I just wish things had been different.."..
We talked for a long long time and he said to me , We need to get together again with the gang... My boys/guys, I used to call them and catch up... I told him thank you but no, and to calling him again no... I would not want to upset his wife for anything, they have a great life and an old flame coming in with long ago memories would make her feel uncomfortable... He understood and we left it as Thank you.... and you will always hold something special in my heart..
Now, this is a story (embarrassing as it is) of me growing up and finding someone very special in a time of confusion and how I /we all can go in another direction because of our needs/wants and just plain selfishness.. Me, calling """"" and talking to him helped immensely.. now, does this make me a better person?? I don't know.......... but it shows that if you truly want to make amends for something wrong you had done, one can make it right if they have a conscious... Our Conscious can keep us in check, be our truth seeker and be our gauge... At times, one thinks of if some people have a conscious-at all... We do, just some choose to ignore and I could no longer ignore how my actions hurt someone so dear to me.
Thanks------
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