When you tell a story or a true story as I am about to do.. You must be as honest as you can be..
This is my story of being border-line Anorexia and Bulimic; having one is hard enough to treat but both, very difficult.. where one is not eating the other is eating and throwing up.
As a young child, I began thinking of being a model, Twiggy and Cheryl Tiegs with a few others were gracing the covers of many magazines. I wanted to see myself on a magazine, so I started learning everything I could with Modeling and fashion, looking through every magazine I could get my hands on. I started dieting and this is where I met my addiction....... not only did I diet and exercise, I took so many diet pills and water pills that could sink a ship.. (6-8 at a time;each and maybe 2-3 times a day).. Follow me?
It started out as being a little girls wanting(dreaming), if you will, to a disease that grabbed hold and took control of my world. With every pill and lack of food was weighing heavy on my body---my soul; but I didn't see it. All I could see looking in the mirror was an over weight little girl(which I was not, never have been) but this is what this disease does......... plays with your mind, a terrible sickness, a silent killer... When I started my Senior year in high school, I weighed 90 lbs and throughout my days in college..
And during my pregnancy, had to be hospitalized trying to save my baby and this is where I started the second half of my disease...... Bulimia----- crazy right?? True, this was my world. Not wanting to get big but not wanting to go back into the hospital, I began eating all I could and then after a while -throw it back up- This continued from then on. After the birth of my first, age of 23, I weighed only 73 lbs and that is where my employer, McRae's Department Store, intervened with me getting help. Oh, wholeheartedly I fought with everything I could saying, "I am fine, just tired with being a single mom and working all the time". OH HELLO GIRL... not true. I just didn't want to know the truth of how sick I was becoming. I did accept the help and even had someone from work to go with me to make sure I went to the appointments. Thank God for McRae's and the people there that cared.
In the mean time, I still studied up on my modeling and finding any photographer that would take photos of me and talking to every agency I could find to help give me pointers. And everyone would say...... you are short but you have talent, You will never be Cheryl Tiegs or Christie Brinkley but you can be your own. That gave me the confidence I needed to keep going....... but, of all that, I still had my "secret". This secret killing me inside and I was ignoring it; still- for years..
Forward, to age 28, my weight was 89 lbs and back into therapy I go. This time, it was to be inpatient treatment, I was told, but thankfully I had 1% body fat and that kept me out to continue doing outpatient treatment. See, this disease doesn't care if you have a family or career, it takes control and puts you on a destructive path. I had to start, again, wearing clothes bigger than my size and stop looking in the mirror and by all means no weighing..
Forward again to age 43-45, I weighed 98-99lbs......... still throwing up, still dieting and not eating. Until, one day......... I stopped......... NO not cured but RECOVERY. I will always be recovering. It's like being a recovering alcoholic or drug addiction, just mine was with food/lack of food.. I can still throw up but never have I shoved my fingers down my throat(make me sick thinking about doing that) ........ I have conditioned my esophagus and diaphragm. Strange, but true...
I am still 5'2" but now to the grand old weight of 105... fighting the urges but better because of me, finally, taking control and realizing what this disease(silent) can do.... It can do so much damage to your body, not only in weight but your heart can stop, you can bleed internally, excess hair growth, loss of teeth (because of acid eroding enamel from inside). This can leave your families without you and that is a price I am not willing to pay...............
I want to add a little note that Modeling was not the culprit of it all; it was me. My mind and it's image of me and my lack of self esteem or regard of myself..... I still fight, that's what recovery is-------but I fight the right way and take responsibility.... I still have my issues(with my body) but, I face them head on and bring them out in an open and honest way. I no longer try to please others on my look, I know how and do. I am one of the lucky ones that has seen and come through the other side of this deadly sickness.
Will I ever become that Famous Model? All I can say is I became one.......... (not gracing the magazines, yet, still working on it) Now that I am older/wiser...
Thank you-----
